This last week it hit home to me just how far I have come in my healing journey, and far I have yet to go.
I just broke contact with someone I was in a very brief and intense ‘relationship’ with (I use the term loosely, as I did not take him seriously, nor was my heart investing in the man).
Hindsight is 20/20, right?
Well, I soon was able to reflect upon what I should have seen clearly– the red flags that were waving high and brightly in my face. The insistence that he was such a nice person, or rather, that he used to be, and that his ex ruined that side of him by cheating on him and breaking his heart.
He soon insisted he just needed someone to heal him (me, obviously). He wanted me to text him repeatedly throughout the day to give him updates on what I was doing (I refused to on principle). He kept insisting that I was cheating on him (I was not). He was soon saying things that cut me, using my vulnerabilities against me in verbal manipulations.
I wound up feeling worthless, crazy, guilty…
And I recognized those feelings.
I had been there before.
The last straw came when he blamed me for getting sick, insisting it was all my fault as I had been the *only* one he had seen all week (he lives with others though).
Yet *I* was and am not sick. Not at all.
I finally told him that I would leave him be if he would please do me the courtesy of doing the same.
Even though I did not know this man very well. Even though I did not have much of a romantic attachment to him…
Doing that was extremely hard, and I am still a bit depressed over the whole incident. I found it very triggering, and very reminiscent of a previous relationship with another man of a similar vein who I was with for a long time who I *was* deeply in love with. After verbally abusing me severely in a way that still haunts me today, he strangled me in a hotel room, and yet I returned to him, only to become burned out from the repeated abuse, and I finally left a few months after.
My point is this–
In the last year, I have worked hard to build up my perception of myself. I hardly ever talk down to myself anymore, I am confident, I walk tall, I take care of myself, I nourish my mind and my body… I have worked hard to change my life from what it used to be.
I will NOT allow anyone to make me lose the self respect I worked so hard to garner.
I am capable
I am strong
I am fierce
I don’t need a d*amn white knight because I am my *OWN* hero