Mood disregulation in others disturbs me.

It makes me tense and anxious. It is like my body prepares for an oncoming assault of words or fists or worse as soon as someone I care about says anything about being in a “mood”.

I cannot help my automatic reaction, but I can do something about the way I respond to others.

Recently, one of my close friends, who is also a guy (k, we dated for a while, nice guy, really) was having a bad weekend. I felt the familiar tensing and readied myself to receive a verbal bashing.

It never came.

My feeling of dread never left me, but I quickly realized that this was NOT about me, but about my friend, and how he was feeling, and only that. This was his way of reaching out and communicating with me.

I will never turn away a friend in need, even at the cost of my own sense of balance, of peace.

During my conversation with my friend, I talked to myself, and kept myself in the present. I knew it was important that I get through this conversation without freaking out and saying something stupid.

So I listened, and kept telling myself that this man was not like my other exes.

The longer the convo went without it turning to lay blame on me, the more convinced I became that this was true.

I also finally gave myself permission to simply leave the conversation and take some time to myself. As much as I want to prove to be a good friend, and as much as I get out of helping someone who needs me,

I need myself more, and I need my Self to be happy and peaceful and with a sense of safety.

I think I dealt with the situation the best I could, and I’m kind of proud of myself for seeing the conversation through and looking after myself at the same time.

I have no control over other people’s moods.

That is hardest for me to wrap my head around. I am so used to being blamed for any shift in mood, good and bad, that when someone close to me is moody, I wonder what I have done wrong, and how can I fix it?!

I do not control other people’s happiness.

This is also hard for me to understand. I was often told that I was my abuser’s world, that they could not live without me, and that I was the source of their happiness. That they would die without me.

I do not have that power. I never did, and never will.

These monsters have no genuine feeling, and so I guess I understand in a way, my having been their whole world. They attach themselves to my feelings, and blame me when they do not feel normally… Or something like that. Honestly, thinking about it makes my head hurt.

I DO, however, have the power to influence others in a positive manner.

I have the power to take control of my own life.

I have the power to react to others in a calm and rational way, even if on the inside I am falling apart.

I have the power to EMPOWER my Self, and to grow that strength so I will not fall for a monster again.

Hugs ❤

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