What does it say about the abused that we end up with such huge guilt complexes?

I used to think it was proof that we were in the wrong. That everything all the brainwashing was true. After all, why else would I wind up with all this incessant guilt??

I now believe it is because the victims of guilt tend to have such big hearts, that we end up trapped and imprisoned, and are unable to leave, and blame ourselves for not leaving the toxic men we love.

But knowing the reason for it, and stopping it from happening are two separate things.

Like I said in my previous post, sept is a difficult month for me, and it seems like all my coping skills fly right out the window. It is like I am once again beginning healing all over again, and I regress in the progress I have made.

I have a theory as to why this happens to me each sept…

My shrink explained it to me from a medical standpoint: something about the time of year, the weather, and brain chemistry all aligning to do mischief for me certain times of the year.

However, I think differently. There may be something to what my p.doc has said. After all, he has the schooling to back up his theory. But I have the life experience. And there in lies the difference in the validity of opinions.

Anyways

I believe a major event happened in late aug/sept that I cannot completely remember. I suspect it has to do with the beginnings of being a trafficked victim. My sense of time and space is awful at the best of times, but my subconscious knows. And I know it knows. And no matter how well I am doing – and this year, I was doing wonderfully in june, july, aug… I honestly thought it would mean this sept would be different.

But then everything came crashing around me.

The shame, the guilt, the burden on my shoulders… It feels like the weight of all the years past is upon them.

No wonder I have been weepy.

The way I have been dealing with the guilt, currently, is to not suppress my feelings, or dissociate, like I usually do. As much as I hate crying, I let myself. I also continue doing the things that I know are good for me: school, reading, therapy, talking to friends and my support group, resisting any self-destructive urges by doing good things for myself.

I know the intensity of the feeling will pass. I know I have survived much worse. But it would be nice to get a break some time.

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