I am currently exploring the possibility that I completely misread someone.

Is it possible to have such a damaging past that you begin to see others who try to get close to you through the eyes of a victim, rather then an empowered and self-possessed woman?

I’m starting to open myself to the possibility that the answer is yes.

So what happens to you’re sense of trust in self when your belief that another person is manipulative, controlling, and verbally abusive is challenged?

Memory is a funny thing. Especially the memory of a trauma victim – there are things I have completely blocked out or dissociated myself from. Even my memories of things that have happened moments ago take on a sort of haze.

So I guess, I am open to suggestion that I was wrong about someone. All it took was a few ill placed words and I decided on what type of person he was, and forgot everything that made him good.

I don’t like the thought that I am sabotaging my personal relationships. But I’ve realized in the last few days, that on some degree, I am always dissociated from myself and my surroundings and experiences.

It is like I am constantly on the edge waiting for an attack, that so far, has not come.

I’m taking baby steps to change that –

I’m trying to reconnect with my body, which I think is my biggest obstacle in having a functioning relationship.

It is the most difficult and uncomfortable thing I have ever done. But I hold all my trauma in my body, and I knew that before I picked up the book Healing Sex by Staci Haines.

I’ve been breathing into my body and allowing myself to simply feel. Being aware and inside of my body is hard to sustain, I cannot do it for more then half a minute.

But, that is a start.

And the relationship I may have misread?

I guess I am open to seeing things with fresh eyes.

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Comments
  1. Sydney says:

    Yes, I absolutely believe that trauma, particularly sexual violence, changes our perspective on people and situations. It is challenging trying to find the balance between protecting ourselves from further harm and giving others the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes we get it wrong, but that’s part of the journey.

    Sydney
    hurt.help.heal

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