Sedating Memories

Posted: October 9, 2011 in abuse, survival, victim
Tags: , ,

So I spent a while trying to figure out whether or not taking Valium would make me “weak”.

In the end (this moment, actually, as I sit here with said pills in my mouth), I decided no. Anything that helps me cope with the traumatic memories, without using it as a crutch in day to day life, is okay with me – especially when I feel like I’m going to go insane.

I’m so tense my arms and chest have cramped up and my psychosomatic asthma is acting up. Yes, that’s right, I get all the asthmatic symptoms without actually having asthma. Started after I was strangled by my ex.

The last two weeks since my unconsentual encounter (okay, I’ll just say it, it was rape) with one of my exes has left me… unsettled, and definitely triggered. I’m unable to keep the normal level of dissociation from the past that I am typically able to achieve.

I’ve been having physical symptoms related to the “incident” as well – severe pelvic pain, muscle cramping, dizziness and nausea. That is besides all the PTSD symptoms acting up.

I’ve been calling up different trauma crisis centers in my area, trying to find someone to talk to, but it seems like everyone is busy.

I think I mentioned before that I have struggled in the past with suicidal tendencies. Well, right now, I am struggling with wanting to engage in self-destructive behaviour just to help deal/subdue the mental anguish, disgust, shame, guilt, and sense of utter violation.

My solution has been to hide out at home. I am taking a break from the world while reaching out to my virtual reality support group (hugs if your reading this <3!). I’ve been reading, or, more often, listening to audiobooks on my ipod since my focus is not that great. I’ve been watching more t.v., and spending more time trying to take care of myself.

It’s a gorgeous day out today, bright, sunny, warm. Yet from where I stand, it is gray and desolate.

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