Posted: October 10, 2011 in abuse, brainwashing, sex, survival, victim
Tags: ,

Two weeks on after the assault, I felt worse then ever. I just wanted to hurt myself to end the pain. About 24 hours ago I in the exact spot I type from, and toyed with a serrated knife, debating to myself if cutting myself would help. The knife slipped from my hand and the edge poked my thigh. Yelping in surprise, I decided that my pain threshold has been tested enough, and I did not need to add to the stress. I searched for my discarded last pack of cigarettes, as they had worked better then Valium for the short period I smoked last year (“coincidentally” this was during the time I was with the ex that tried to kill me), but couldn’t find them, and since getting new ones meant having to leave the house and actually walk the block over to the corner store… well, I was just in too much pain, and too scared to see anyone. I spent two weeks feeling ashamed and guilty and disgusted and dirty. Day blended into night, and I just felt like I was sinking.

I had been thinking for the last few days that I wanted to report the assault to the police, and do what I did not have the courage to do in previous Domestic Violence encounters. This “encounter” somehow was somehow worse then the rest. Not just because it opened the portals of hell in my mind and let all the memories I would rather not think about flood through my mind, but also because I am supposed to be stronger now. I should know better, damn it.

I’ve had two weeks to figure out where I went wrong, and what technique he used to manipulate me.

He used his knowledge of me (that I have trust and intimacy issues) as his “in” to convince me that all our relationship problems were my fault. And if I’m honest, I wanted to be wrong about him.

I don’t want every man to somehow, in someway, become abusive. I don’t understand how it is I can maintain great friendships with some men whom I have known for years, and are kind, gentle, understanding… Why are my male friends like that, but not my male partners? (I think I will tackle that in another post)

I am glad, that in the end, I decided to report. He disempowered me by manipulating me, and finished taking my power away when he did not listen to my protests and pushed aside my struggles.

By reporting, I took my power back.

Stay Safe


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