Emerging Problems

Posted: October 12, 2011 in abuse, dissociation, relationships, survival, survivor, victim
Tags: , ,

I had to go back to emerg last night. The pain is getting so bad that it hurts to sit up straight, and it hurts to walk. I feel unsteady on my feet.

Emerg was a disaster for me. There were too many people there – too many men. I went by myself, though I guess I had the option of having someone with me, it is just too shaming to have someone “normal” there with me when I feel somehow defective.

It felt like the nurses were checking up and comforting other people while I sat there alone, crying.

The woman beside me asked if she could help somehow. I thanked her, and said I was alright. How do I explain that I’m there because I was raped and I feel like I’m dying?

I talked to the nurses, explained it hurts to sit. They told me to stand. Umm. ya, like that would help. I replied that I would fall. They in turn explained to me that there was no bed available, as there were other people ahead of me. Yes, yes, I know, I understand the e.r. is overworked and understaffed. But you think I really cared about all that, while I was (am) in agony? Frankly, no, I could not care less.

I went back to sit down, but grew more and more agitated and angry. The thought of being touched again made me want to punch something and scream my pain out loud. So I left, scribbling my name with a shaky hand on the form saying I was leaving against medical advice. Honestly, I didn’t want to sign it, since I was not given any medical advice to begin with, and I’m pretty sure the nurse I spoke to had no idea what brought me in to begin with.

Anyway,

Back at home, I am at least more comfortable. I can lean on my side and curl up on the couch, which does not reduce the pain, but I am a bit more relaxed.

I admit, that in my despair I started wondering if there was any point staying alive. Until I received an outpouring of love and support from my DV group. It brought me out of my head a bit.

I left a message with my regular doctor, and have yet to hear from her office. I also plan on “bugging” the police a bit, see what is happening with my case.

Doctor just called back and I have an appt this afternoon. Maybe, hopefully, I will get some some sleep.

I have been unable to sleep in my own bed – to afraid to, though the exhaustion is catching up with me.

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