All my life I have had weight issues. Okay, more specifically, I have struggled with an eating disorder for as long as I can remember. I even recall distorted thoughts about my body and food when I was 6 or 7 (no coincidence that this was around the time I was being molested/raped).

If the man I was with liked my curves, I would stop eating. If he liked me skinny, I would gain weight. Food was the one thing I could control, my weight was my own, the one thing that belonged to me and that the men who abused me had no say over. Oh, they certainly tried, but my need to master my body’s shape was stronger then their attempts to. I accepted whatever punishment came my way, and simply continued gaining or losing accordingly.

See, I have this believe that weighing either too much or too little will save me from being abused. I will be so hideous that no man will want to come near me.

Logically, I know that that is utterly ridiculous, but it does not stop me from trying.

Becoming anorexic did not help at all with the abuse, it just got me more male attention as no matter how many hours I exercised, how many diet pills I took, no matter how few calories I took in, and how many pounds I lost, I could not get rid of the curves I inherited from the women in my family.

Likewise, now that I have gained double the weight I was when I was anorexic, those same curves keep me in balanced proportion, no matter how much I gain, I cannot shake the attention, and it was proved to me two weeks ago when I was raped that my size truly does not matter.

I have never attempted a healthy weight in a healthy manner. But I am seriously considering it now. I realize that being a healthy weight and maintaining it is another step in the healing process.

Being heavy (or anorexic) is letting my abusers win. I am killing myself with food. And that is unacceptable to me.

The funny thing is that I studied holistic nutrition. I know the fundamentals of healthy eating. I just have no idea how to apply it to myself. I have tried, many times. I can help others, just not myself – I need medical supervision as well as counseling to help me get to a place where it is feels safe to be a healthy weight.

When I was going to eating disorders groups, I never thought twice about the fact that the majority of my peers were survivors of abuse. But thinking about it now, it makes perfect sense. We punish the body that was the source of so much pain.

Which is totally the wrong way to go about it. We should be babying our bodies, taking gentle care of them, connecting with our bodies instead of taking the mistreatment of others out on ourselves.

So that will be my new project for myself – finding somewhere that will help me both lose weight and heal my irrational thinking.

Stay safe

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