Posted: October 18, 2011 in abuse, dissociation, family, relationships
Tags: , , ,

Two nights ago my dad went into a rage.

I’ve probably mentioned before that I live at home – due to the PTSD and fibromyalgia, its hard for me to work… I am moving forward, and healing, but I have to do both in my own time, not in the “now now now, go go go” pace of society.

Back to two nights ago –

I had been making skin care products in the kitchen for my therapist. It was just her birthday, and I also wanted to thank her for all her support and love and compassion. It was my first time experimenting with beeswax, and it left a waxy residue in the stainless steel bowl when I was done making everything. I set it to soak in the sink with the intention of going back to clean it later (remember, I have to go at my own pace, I get exhausted easily – this method works well for me, but not for everyone else… they get easily exasperated with me, thinking I am lazy). In the meantime my dad found the bowls in the sink and started cleaning it over my protests that I would get to it. He started getting angry and so I shut up. My mom came down and started lecturing me unnecessarily.

I simply dissociated from the situation until my father started slamming things and stomping his considerable bulk around the main floor. As he continued his fit upstairs I told my mom that if he did not calm down, I would call the cops. My mom, upset, asked why I would do such a thing.

I stared at her in disbelieve. Did she truly not understand why I was so distressed? She then began defending him.

Instead of losing it like I wanted to, I left the house. I went out in the dark, in the rain (both of which terrify me), and wondered around for a while, scared and alone.

Eventually I returned home. I refused to talk to anyone, to look at anyone, to even breathe in anyone’s direction.

In my mind, my parents had just become like my abusers. Which meant the house that alreadynot feel that safe to me in the first place to me, is now feeling downright hostile. did

I’ve been trying to keep my mind occupied. I created a skin care line for my neighbour. Doing so made me happy – it’s something I adore doing.

On the flip-side, I’ve been trying hard to be good to myself. I’ve been pushing myself past the point of breaking. I quit smoking months ago, yet bought a new pack after my dad’s freak out, unable to cope anymore on my own. It shames me to admit it, but this blog is about honesty and truth, no matter how ugly it is to me.

Stay safe, and I will try and do the same

*hugs*

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Comments
  1. Just found your site, have spent the last half hour looking through your stuff. pretty addicting.

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