To my parents:

I feel like sometimes you do not know how to deal with me. Like I am the odd one out in the family. I look in from the outside and hate the feelings of anger and jealousy within me for your ‘normalcy’. I hate that you cannot relate to me, and that I have to adjust myself in order to relate to you, when you are the adults, and I the child.

I struggle with the brainwashing of years past that told me you hated me and wanted only the worst for me. As much as I want to trust you, and as much as I trust you now, there is a part of me that simply… cannot. The seeds of distrust were sown within me long long ago, and it is something that cannot easily be undone.

I feel like you misunderstand my actions and the intentions behind those actions. And that the way you deal with me simply intensifies my trauma. I know you do not mean to do this, but even though it is unintentional, the trauma still happens…

When you accuse me of being unwell, or of not taking my medications, or of needing help, or more therapy, it makes me feel like giving up. It makes me look at myself in a way that – “well if that is all the progress they see (which is to say, nothing), I might as well die”.

When you blame me for all the shit that has happen to me, I want to lash out. I don’t, of course, but I become hateful due to your victim-blaming. You always conveniently leave out the child-molestation… yet I wonder – whom do you blame for the incidents when I was a child? Me, still? Or yourself? Or better yet, the abuser, where the blame should be placed?

Obviously my will and my faith in God keep me going, but I should also be able to rely on you as support. And the truth is, I can’t.

When you yell and nag and scream at me to clean up, it is not because I am intentionally messy. Yes, it is true that I am not innately clean like you, dear mother. But neither have I ever loved living in a pig stye. I know no matter how many times I explain, you either cannot accept, or will not listen, when I tell you that the mess provides me with psychological comfort. Just as cutting, drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes comforted me, so does the mess. I do realize it pains you to see it – it aggravates you and annoys you.

But I have to think of myself first – I am not hurting myself physically anymore. At least, I don’t as long as the mess is there. When you yell at me, I leave the house and smoke in an effort to regain control of my emotions. You see, taking the mess away is taking away my control, and it feels like I am being raped all over again.

When you take it upon yourself to tidy, I feel violated, enraged, helpless, grieved. Like giving up. And I stuff all those emotions away and pretend everything is okay, when it fact it is not. And my body knows it because I end up in more pain, with more exhaustion, with more psychosomatic asthma symptoms….

I am writing this here because here it is safe. You know about this blog, but would never think to read it because you want to deny everything that has happened to me. You want to deny and pretend and compartmentalize. And so I follow your lead, and it is destroying me slowly.

I wish I could be this truthful to your face, but the truth is, I would not want to hurt you.

You might think me cold and calculating, but really, I am just trying to spare your feelings while you kill mine.

Your loving daughter

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Comments
  1. Dear Calliope: remember you are precious and that doesn’t change if someone outside you doesn’t recognize or appreciate who you are. You are no longer the person you were. you are constantly evolving into a beautiful butterfly . .Right now you are crawling like the little caterpillar but someday you will fly and you won’t remember how hard it was to get around from place to place. We all grow in stages over time and nothing anyone can do will stop this unless we allow them. We don’t have to surrender to anyone our happiness and desire for greatness ..we choose what we let into our lives and sometimes we don’t realize what we let into our lives our harmful till after the fact. That is what learning is all about . .We are always learning, always becoming better, always evolving. If someone will be with us in this process in a positive way, let them come along but if they will not .. if they create a ambience of negativity around us; let them stay away. You are beautiful, precious and on the way to becoming all you are meant to be.. love you .. and support you. .as I am also in constant motion of becoming and evolving. .Joy

  2. You don’t have to own your parents view of you. I had serously fucked up parents. My father was brutally sadistic and my mother was cold distant and alcoholic. I became my own person and saw my self through my own eyes and rejected my parents view of me. I set out goals for myself and improved my self image by accomplishing those goals. For instance surfing in a huricane. Now you don’t have to have a goal tha is so far out, but one that challenges you and that you feel like you can accomplish if you just set your mind to it. It has made me the man that I am today.

    Just because there are a lot of broken people out there who want to steal your positive self image you don’t have to give in to it.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John

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