Lately I have been listening and paying attention to what my body has been telling me. And I have been analyzing those messages.

I believe the body holds onto trauma. And that my body has beyond reached it’s threshold to withstand anything has come to a halt with my body screaming in protest.

At times it feels like my body is falling apart, with the various aches and pains, the sheer physical and mental exhaustion, the insomnia, the edema in my feet, the weight fluctuations… Then there is shoving aside all the hurt and pain and grief into tiny compartments to ignore and pretend they never existed, paste a smile on my face, and pretend everything is alright, and go on being a ‘positive’ person.

I started using essential oils to augment my therapy sessions and to help with the chronic pain my body is feeling. I started out with the essential oils in my skin care products, but realized that EOs (essential oils) good for wound healing, will also be good for physical and emotional/spiritual wounds. With a bit of research, I realized I was correct. I have been using a 10% dilution of Immortelle EO on my decollete (which corresponds to wounds of the heart, which is also the source of my physical pain), as well as Lavender EO to relax my muscles and mind, and Spruce Hemlock EO, more for the physical pain, rubbing some on the places of my body that hurt most, as well as a dab on my chest, which helps with stress related emotional pain (like PTSD). {This is what works for me – if you decide to use EOs, do a bit of research, and do so with caution, as I am not a professional}

Today I also started doing BodyTalk therapy. It was a pretty incredible experience which felt like a bit of a cross between biofeedback, emotional freedom technique, and intuition. The therapist has me doing visualization exercises at home in which I imagine bandages being ripped off my body, and another in which I imagine repelling mosquitos from my body.

The first exercise is multipurpose. My posture tends to curl in on itself, and I never really thought about it, but it’s a protective mechanism, making myself smaller against potential predators. As well, it is more comfortable as my back in always in pain. My weight is also a “bandage”, protecting me, and arming me. So by stripping me of my “armor”, I get down to my essential self, and can deal with the emotions that come up.

The second exercise is more interesting. I was described as a kind of “host” body for parasites (abusers) to leech onto. Something in my physical chemistry is attracting this parasite, through no fault of my own (perpetuating the cycle of abuse in my relationships, which is true, I have never had a normal relationship). So by repelling mosquitos, I am, in effect, stopping that cycle. That is the thinking, anyways, and I am willing to give it a go 🙂

She also intuited that the pain in my lower back came from the lack of support from my family, and she made the pain better. In fact, she made all the pain in my body better.

It was weird, I had feelings of grief and sadness and dirtiness and guilt and that false happiness, all cycling within me while she worked. Even now, while I write, I can feel the grief trapped in my chest, like a tangled black mass of poison choking me.

I will be going back next week, and I cannot wait to find out how it will help. I have tried alternative therapies before, but never approaching it from healing the pain of the abuse first, as opposed to all the healing all the other symptoms first.

Stay safe sisters

 

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