Weight Loss Fears

Posted: November 5, 2011 in abuse, Empowerment, reconnection, recovery, respect, survivor
Tags: , , ,

I have been watching myself rapidly gain weight in the last year and a half, and in all honesty, for the most part, it did not effect me. It was like an emotion – I would simply compartmentalize it and would shove any feelings I had about my weight and body away in my mind, and “shut myself up” with food.

I never had a healthy relationship with food. I can remember being 7, hating my body, and relating that to the food I was eating, and hatred of my parents (they are overweight). That memory, only one among a few I have of my childhood, has been hard to deal with. It makes sense now, knowing I was molested. The self hated, turning it on something I could control – food. Hating my parents for not stopping the abuse (I’m still pissed).

That has influenced my relationship with food my whole life, and I suspect I am not the only one. Food can be used as a comfort, to reward “good” behaviour, and to punish “bad” behaviour.

The last time I tried to lose weight, I finally did it in a healthy way, and I was pretty pleased with the success I was making. Then all of a sudden, things seemed to unravel. I became self-destructive towards my body, seeing myself once again as an object. I never connected this to my losing weight, but suddenly I cannot deny the connection between the two. I was shamed by my behaviour, my thoughts… I quit the new life style plan, and regained the weight, plus some, focusing on food groups like fast food, iced tea, and chocolate. No wonder I have been feeling crappy.

It is like the thought of becoming more physically attractive is so terrifying to me that I am willing to put my life in jeopardy by gaining weight.

With the recent gains I’ve made healing, I finally feel strong enough to slowly modify my eating habits, with the intentions of having this stick for life. The plan is to lose weight so slowly that my mind won’t freak out as my body changes. The plan is to express what I am feeling instead of suppressing every emotion by shoving food down my throat.

The ironic thing is, I have studied holistic nutrition. I know – in my logical mind – exactly the health dangers I am in, as well as how to eat properly. I have simply never been able to put it into practice.

But that does not mean I am not willing to try again.

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