I live with my family, and my parents, as much as I regret saying this, recently seem to be the source of the raging anger I have burning inside me.

Last week they went overseas to see family, leaving me and my younger siblings on our own. I didn’t put my finger on what was different in the last week, I just knew something within me IS different. Finally, today, it hit me.

I am not angry.

It is amazing how that burden of emotion leaves us when the source of that negative emotion leaves our vicinity. There is a sense of freedom, a taste of exhiliration, a lessening of the bodily tension.

I also got myself a pillow pet. My therapist told me about them. They are a cross between a pillow and a stuffed animal. And very comforting to cuddle with. Anything that I can rely on for comfort that is not a man, is a good thing for me right now.

I never allowed myself the comfort of stuffed animals or dolls as a child, to my recollection. I remember thinking that I did not deserve it. I did not feel worthy of the toy. What comes to mind is the feeling of shame, when I think about being a child trying to play with dolls or stuffed animals. I’m not sure why. I know that sometimes I ‘performed’, and played with them because that is what ‘normal’ kids did… anyways…

My parents being gone, and my increased ability to comfort myself by holding onto my pillow pet has allowed me to get to a place mentally, where I can get back on my diet/lifestyle plan.

I’ve released almost 6lbs so far (saying I “lost” weight implies that it needs to be “found”.. um, no thank you!). Yet I have gained much more –

The edema in my feet and calves has reduced by about 75%. And I am sleeping much deeper and longer, without nightmares. I feel more stable emotionally during the day, though I still have my moments. But overall, I feel stronger, and more in control.

I find myself looking forward to meal times. My chocolate intake has gone from obscene to none, without any cravings. Ditto any fast food, iced tea (my vice), or similarly bad things. I am full, satisfied, and not panicked over the thought of “releasing” the weight, because I know I have a good support system around me. It may not be my family like I would wish it to be – but I worked hard at building a supportive circle, and plan on maintaining it.

I plan on making the most of the next week and a bit while my parents are away, so when they return, I remain focused, and strong minded 🙂

Stay strong!


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