Often we end up asking ourselves, can he change?

If he goes to therapy, if he takes pills, if we go to couples counseling, will that help?

If I am quieter, more submissive, if I learn to listen better, maybe he will be different…

If I just stood up for myself, maybe he would back down…

The thoughts go on and on, often in repetitive circular motions. But there is never any resolutions to those thoughts. Abusers don’t allow for that. They keep you off balance. That is their talent….

But, I digress.

As to whether there can be any change within the man abusing you, or who has abused you, here is my take, based on my own experience with men, my research, and the evolution of my thought-process from victim to survivor.

In a nutshell — no — he will not change.

Therapy is often a “school” for abusers to hone their talents. If they can con professionals into believing they have made progress, are remorseful, and are willing to change, abusers know they will have you, already their victim, wrapped around their little finger.

Therapy is where abusers learn to better control the mask of civility they wear in everyday life. You know, that other side of him that is so charming and affable. The side, that when it comes out that you have been abused, others will say, “X abused Y? No way! He’s such a nice guy!”.

Abusers are the ultimate con artists, pure psychopath.

Therapy is a place for them to learn that there actually ARE consequences to their behaviour. But instead of making them better, this can in fact make them more deadly and dangerous, as they might not be willing to leave a “witness” to his mask slipping when next in a rage. They become more calculating, more even heeled, and more observant of our behaviours, actions, and reactions, and base their behaviour upon that.

Have no doubt of this: abusers are born damaged. There is something within them that has made them undoubtedly different then you and I. Forgetting that can be incredibly dangerous.

But it is also amazingly empowering. Once you have internalized and fully accepted that abusers are inherently different, and that nothing on heaven or earth could possibly change their essential being, you have the upper hand.

By internalizing the message that they are different, a subspecies of humanoid matter, you can begin to untangle the emotional mess that he, the abuser, has placed you in. And learn what it takes to steer clear of men like him in the future.

Stay safe ❤

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