For the past several years it has been easier to deny my sexuality then to figure out what, exactly, went wrong with it. I feel like my trafficker damaged my sexuality on a level that as of yet, I don’t yet understand. I just know that it is not the same as it was before I met him.

But I guess I was “damaged” before then. Being trafficked was not my first time being sexually exploited. Just that the extent of the exploitation was… beyond words.

Lately I have been wondering about the type of relationship I had been in.. and how I could not have seen that it was so perverted.

I was submissive to his Dominant. I had been in other casual power exchange relationships, without being abused, so I’m still trying to figure out where it went so wrong. Actually, I know I was conned even before I met him, he had a woman con me into meeting him. I had no change to begin with.

I veered away from anything kink since then, choosing vanilla partners, or, as of recent history, no partners at all. I was suitably scared off of the lifestyle.

So why did I find myself in a female-oriented sex shop last week, looking at books on consensual power play and radical ecstasy?

Even more surprising, this was while I was on my way to my therapist, and instead of hiding my actions like I was ashamed (or flaunting them, also to hide my shame), I just came straight out and talked about it.

I feel like I’ve had a break-through of sorts — for so long I’ve held a cloak of shame because of the type of sex I used to like to participate in (I’m no longer sure, I feel like I have to rediscover that aspect of my life all over again).

Not just that, but for so long, I felt like I was the ONLY one in the BDSM community who was so severely abused. Everyone talks about “safe, sane and consensual”, but what about when it all goes wrong?

I felt like a total anomaly, even among my surviver sisters… Not only was I different because I have a tainted sexual past (the scarlet whore… whatever), but I felt like it was my fault because I had identified as a submissive (sexually)… Had I brought this on myself because of my abnormal sexual tastes?

I’ve realized a couple things in the last few weeks:

I’m not abnormal. I’ve finally been able to admit to myself what I am attracted to in power play: and that is the exchange itself. It takes so much trust to just let go, and I want to be able to do that. I like that there are rules and structure to the relationships, I like that scenes are negotiated. It makes me feel on more solid ground. It’s about being mentally secure with someone else.

I have no reason to be shamed: I was party to some interesting discussion about the Sister Wives and consensual Polyamory. I think that that is what started me thinking of my own journey. Shame was pushed on me by someone else. And that emotion keeps me tied to them. I don’t want that.

The books are… eye-opening. I am not reading them with a closed mind like I have been the last couple years. I have no judgement in my mind, against myself, or others. And so I am left with a curiosity about what I can learn about myself.

I’m just left with a vague feeling of sadness, for who I was, for me now, and for all I lost.

  1. You need to engage in healthy sexuality that is personally fulfilling to you and makes you feel good about yourself. You need to find a man who will cherish you and love you for who you are.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

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