Vague Thoughts on Dating

Posted: January 7, 2012 in intimacy, love, relationships, sex trafficking, survival
Tags: , , , , , ,

This is loosely related to my last post. Just a continuation of where my thoughts have been going.

Aaand, it figures, that my ex would pick this moment to call me (no – I didn’t answer. Yes, I know I should change the number)

I’ve been isolating myself to some degree, since September. Not just because of the assault, but also because of all the de-numbing that’s been going on.

It’s tough to realize that I’ve messed around with all but one of my male friends. And that I had to mess around with them first, before becoming friends. I’ve known I need new friends for a while now, but hell if I know how one goes about that. A while back (when I got myself out of the sex trade… about two years ago then) when I changed all my info, social media, numbers… I also cut out most of the people from my life. Bad influences, bad memories…

But I somehow managed to get some really great friendships from that time period.

I’m just not sure how I feel about those friends now. Weird, certainly.

One of those friends I hung out with a couple days ago. He’s like a male version of the way I used to be, so we have lots of common ground. Or, we used to.

Anyways.

He started talking about how he’s never done the whole dating thing. Just sleeps with someone, and ends up in a relationship.

That hit me hard.

Like, f*ck. I’m the same way. I can’t remember ever going on a nervous first date, or the stereotypical first-second-third date before “letting” a guy kiss me.

Honestly, the thought of doing that… I think it’s a waste of time. But I don’t think my way has been any better. Well, I know my way is not better. It got me into a lot of crappy relationships and compromising situations.

Sorry for my vagueness. There a lot of sh*t I don’t want to admit to, but is on my mind anyways.

It’s so much easier to date (or just screw around), when you are numb and dissociated.

Which is why I now remain single.

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