Chilled

Posted: February 7, 2012 in abuse, intimacy, relationships
Tags: , , ,

I like to think of myself as a pretty passionate person, in all things. However, I’ve recently begun to realize just how damn cold I am in actuality.

I no longer feel like I can connect to anyone. Like some part of me has fragmented. I do wonder why it’s taken me this long to realize this. But I guess that’s the benefit of long term numbness and dissociation. It has hit me that I have not allowed anyone to get close to me since nearly dying a couple years… And those I have tried to let close, I just push them away.

As much as I appreciate my singlehood, and my freedom… It would be nice to have someone I felt safe enough to let some cracks show through my armor.

Case in point: the one ex I can stand to befriend (barely, at that), pointed out that I pretty much brought my predicament on by myself, by confiding in him too much. He was unable to handle it.

Course, he didn’t say in so many words “It’s your fault”… But trust me, I can hear it.

What I didn’t say, and what I longed to respond was that what I told him was fucking nothing. The tip of a glacier in hell. And honestly, part my telling him things he wishes I didn’t was 1. an attempt at disclosure 2. a test to see if he could handle me… Obviously he couldn’t.

What hit me when he told me this so kindly over the phone, was that being with him was a good way to reinforce the fact that I simply cannot allow anyone to ever be close to me.

Actually, there is one person I know who knows me. And I’ve been pushing away cause his knowledge terrifies me. If he condemned me like everyone else, I would not bat an eye. It’s the acceptance and non-judgement that I cannot take.

How fucked up is that?

As ever, my silence infuriates me.

How could any one else stand my company when I cannot bear to be around myself?

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