Breaking Silence

Posted: February 19, 2012 in abuse, Empowerment, reconnection, recovery, respect, survivor
Tags: , , ,

I had a vocal audition of sorts yesterday. With a new music teacher.

It was an extremely humbling experience, which totally threw me off balance. I didn’t think I could be humbled any further when it comes to my vocal talents. Part of my problem is that I never truly believed I had any.

However, yesterday hit it home that the voice I used to have was more impressive then I’d ever give myself credit for.

But that’s the great thing about hindsight. Kinda like my looking at old pics of myself and wondering why I ever thought it was a good idea to gain weight.

I usually say it’s been a few years since I took lessons. The last time I took lessons seriously, I was being encouraged by my teacher to study voice in university. Like with many things, I did not think I could cut it. I don’t trust my ear (tres important when it comes to singing), and my theory has always sucked (I blame my lack of understanding in math for that – too logical for my artistic mind).

The last time I can remember taking lessons… I think it was at least 6 years ago. Time flies when you date assholes who pimp you and attempt murder.

I definitely have the passion to continue this… wherever it might lead. I just don’t think I have the trust required to let my voice go. It’s not just a lack of trust in myself, but trust in an audience as well. You have to be willing to lay yourself bare when you sing. I’m not sure I can.

But I’m willing to try.

I think I’ve punished myself with silence enough.

These last few months I’ve realized that my normal quiet nature has turned into an almost unbreakable silence. I guess that’s part of the reason I’ve finally returned to music. I have to force my voice to work until I am once again comfortable with it.

My silence is a survival tactic I no longer have any use for if I want to move on. And I do.

  1. stellamarr says:

    So happy to hear you’re rediscovering your voice. You’ve been singing here you know — laying yourself bare — you’re already doing it. You are beautiful. Thank you for being in the world and SINGING and writing. So much love always xoxoxo

  2. stellamarr says:

    “Your silence will not protect you.”
    ― Audre Lorde

    So much love xoxo

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