Posted: February 24, 2012 in connection, intimacy, relationships
Tags: ,

I had a really weird dream last night.

I dreamt I was with a guy I went out with a couple times this year, and he was introducing me to his friends. And one of his friends was a former partner of mine from years ago. And I became (in my dream) obsessed with this former lover, and felt compelled to apologize to him.

So, the real-life story behind this dream:

This was maybe 4 years ago. Ancient history, as far as where my life is now, and where I was then. I said in my last post that I was trying to fuck my pain away. I was doing that with a series of one night stands and random hookups. One of them happened to be this guy I was dreaming about last night, we’ll call him A.

So A was one of the few I was able to hang out with and talk to as well as have sex with. He wanted more from me then I was capable at the time of offering. I don’t think I ever actually came out and told him I was fucking others, but he knew anyways. Then one night I was chatting with him (online), and I have no idea why I suddenly stated that I was seeing others, self-sabotage, I guess. I’m pretty certain I didn’t see him again after that. And then next I heard from him, he was living on the opposite coast from me.

So I woke up this morning and searched for him online. Nothing. I have no idea what I would say to him, or if he would remember me, or want to remember me.

I don’t really want to think about why this is bothering me me now. Because it is.

It reminds me of why I keep my silence though.

You can’t take back the words you say.


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