A question was posed to me last night by a new acquaintance. Basically, he asked whether or not I was the architect of my own demise. Well, it was more like, do I feel like I brought everything onto myself somehow.

Now, usually when someone has the balls to ask me something like that, 1. the question is asked by someone totally ignorant of the dynamics of abuse, 2. it’s a form of victim blaming. Usually at this point I’d usually either completely shut down or become defensive.

Since the question was more philosophical in nature, I actually gave it some thought. And I was thinking about it today while I was swinging in the park next to my house (I believe in nurturing my innocence).

So here is my thinking: the answer is yes.

Going on the premise that my thoughts and feelings create my reality, I see how I manifested various abusive situations and wound up a prostitute.

Since I cannot remember most of my childhood, I’ll disregard that for now. Suffice to say that by the time I started dating, I was finding myself with men who confirmed my core beliefs.

Those beliefs being that I am unloveable, I am worthless, I am an object to be used in a sexual manner, and that I only serve purpose as a trophy.

It didn’t really hit me that I was proving those things to myself with the relationships I wound up it until the last couple months.

Take the guy I lived with last year –

That was my experiment at a normal relationship. I had a stable guy who cared about me and loved his family. I should have been happy, all the ingredients were there for me to be happy. But… I would overreact to inappropriate things and create drama where there really wasn’t any just to create some excitement. So of course the relationship failed. It was more then that though. My beliefs in myself were confirmed – I was worthless because I didn’t get validation through sex. And I was unloveable cause I revealed some things about me that he didn’t deal well with.

I wasn’t objectified by him, which lead me to feel worthless… what do I add to a relationship if I’m not able to satisfy him?

Anyways.

So I’m thinking now, how do I work with the tentative new core beliefs I have about myself?

Namely, that I add value through my character and intellect, I am lovable exactly as I am, and that I have just as much worth as anyone else.

Frankly, I’m not sure. Cause like so many things, everything seems to circle back to sex. And since I feel pretty great, but lack an outlet for my energy… well, I know myself well enough to know that if I don’t do something constructive, I’ll start acting out just for the excitement.

 

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