I feel I need to update this with a bit more accuracy.

I recently tried dating again, before realizing I was a whole person all on my own (which kinda makes me sound insane, but those who feel/felt fragmented at their core will understand), so while I wanted the outcome to be different, my behaviour was the same. Which I don’t think is a big deal, since it proved to me I’m a totally different person, and that the things that worked way back no longer do.

Dating is really weird to me in a way it never was before. Stuff that never occurred to me now runs through my mind – Who pays? What constitutes a date? Is it clear that this is NOT the only date I will be going on, cause I’m sure your also testing the dating pool? At what point does it become clear that a “relationship” has developed, whatever that happens to mean? Really. Confusing.

I’ve managed to realize that submissiveness and subservience are two totally different things. Nor is it a concept that scares me – I’m certain enough of who I am and what I want to disallow anyone to overwhelm me or push me in a direction I don’t want to go it. It’s a gift to be given, not a trait to be trampled on.

I am bored.

I mentioned before I was worried the boredom would lead to acting out… Let me revise that. I am somewhat concerned that my need for excitement will distract from the productive path I am hellbent on following. But the fact that my standards for interpersonal relationships has changed so dramatically, makes me disregard any worry I might have.

I’ve also verified for myself that hookups won’t do it for me. While I think a night of debauchery will help my boredom, I’ve realized I’m actually very selective about who I’d want to share that with. I think that’s healthy.

Connected to that is my issue with being touched. While I’m not actively avoiding being touched anymore, I realize I have standards that have to be met for me to be okay with it. Even if it’s my mom. I have to decide that it’s something I want, and then it’s cool.

I’m getting pretty comfortable in my skin. Finding a balance between being completely covered up and being provocative doesn’t really concern me anymore.

So. I’m bored.

Not that I’d ever recommend the type of life I used to have. But I never suffered from boredom. On edge, anxious, terrified, panicked, angry, hurt, enraged… All the time. There was no middle ground, no peace. Black and white. It’s not the emotions themselves I miss, or the cause of those emotions…

Its the fucking INTENSITY of everything.

Living in shades of grey has its downside.

I should probably say something about finding a balance, or compromise… But. Why? I think I can have positive intensity and continue to move forward regardless.

So in the meantime I satisfy my need for intense by listening to music loud enough to make my ears bleed and my head spin.

Intense.

 

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