Picture Me Invisible

Posted: April 2, 2012 in intimacy, love, relationships
Tags: , , ,

I’ve been thinking (big stretch, when is my mind still?). I was recently given a quick run through of someone’s dating history, complete with pics.

This prompted two reactions: I was impressed that he remembered them. And I was jealous that he had photographic evidence of their existence.

I have a hard time remembering anyone I’ve hung around with – faces tend to blur together, names disappear, or the whole person ceases to exist in my mind. But it goes beyond the memory blanks.

I was feeling nostalgic last week, and was looking through old pics of me, and among those old pics were ones of me and J. We were a really photogenic couple. And while I’ve been part of a photogenic couple before, I have no photographic evidence of any of it.

Even the guy I was engaged to. I think we had maybe two pics of us. Both were ‘surprise’ pics, rather then ones deliberately taken to say, ‘yes, here we are, a couple’.

Even on my own. I don’t take pictures of people or places. I’ve taken tons of pictures of myself, especially in various states of undress. But that’s not the same thing, in my mind.

I dunno. I can’t really explain it. Maybe it’s just that if pics don’t exist, it didn’t happen, they didn’t happen, we didn’t happen. I can pretend my past is a complete blank.

I’ve realized this links to my usage of men’s names. Even before becoming a pro, I didn’t want to know the names of the men I slept with. It just wasn’t relevant to me. Even now, when I make a point of learning someone’s name… I don’t use it. And if I can’t connect them with a name, it’s like they’re not a real person.

I was thinking about old superstitions where parents would give a child a second, public name as a form of protection.

And then my mind linked that to terms of endearment. Like babe or sweetheart or hon. Words I’ve only used with two people cause of the implied intimacy. And words that are constantly used towards me. Makes me wonder if they’ve forgotten my name too.

So I guess I’ll know it’s something special when I use a name and want to take pics of us together?



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