Submitting to Nothing

Posted: April 3, 2012 in abuse, sex, sex after abuse
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I’m disturbed. Distressed.

A while back I rejoined FetLife (you can google, I refuse to link to them here). It’s possible my old account is still there. No idea. My past presence online isn’t something I want or like to think about.

It’s one thing to do what I have done on the site, which is mainly lurk and occasionally join in a discussion I find interesting. There’s even a group for kinky people who have been abused. I lurk there too.

I thought it was a trigger that had kinda faded like the others. But it’s different when you look on a profile of someone you’ve spoken to, and with whom there is a mutual want-to-get-to-know-each-other vibe.

Fucking disturbing.

I get that it’s something done with consent, and when consent is given, it can be a really awesome experience.

And regardless of my own feelings about monogamy/polygamy… (I’m on the fence, both are valid, in my mind, depending on the relationship dynamic)

I HATE. HATE. it when someone says they are being shared.

It’s so massively triggering I don’t even know where to begin.

In my head it reduces a human from being a person to being a commodity.

And I know part of the problem is that I have unresolved issues with the whole BDSM thing, which is why I dabble, and not commit to anything that would label me “officially” as a Sub or Slave (another word I strongly object to).

And why I’ve run from any guy who wanted to collar me. I’ve been there, it was awful. Freedom (or the feeling of freedom) is so incredibly important to me. I really couldn’t submit to someone I felt constrained by. Which might sound backward, but it’s not. Done properly its freeing and liberating. The power is equal between the two, just expressed differently then in a more “vanilla” (mainstream) relationship.

Part of the issue is that I really have no idea what I like sexually. DublinCallGirl said it really well: http://secretdiaryofadublincallgirl.wordpress.com/ when she stated she feels like a really ironic virgin. It’s so true.

I had actually planned on turning in early. After years of chronic insomnia I’m taking advantage of my sudden ability to rest.

But. Fuck. I need distraction in the worst way. And of course, any time I need distraction my mind automatically turns to sex. My drug of choice.

So I was thinking I’d really love to take a martial arts class. I did karate as a kid, and Brazilian ju jitsu as a teen (which didn’t last long, my instructor was male, and I’d throw up at the end of each session).

I’m now looking into Krav Maga. Just seems like a more practical form of self-defense for day to day life. Dunno. I think finding physical strength will go a long way to calm my mind. As well as work of some of aggression. And fulfill some of that need for intensity.

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Comments
  1. severin says:

    I wish you well. Your experiences are unique to you and so no-one can really advise or direct you precisely. But many find that just writing, writing, writing, writing, helps to work some things out in their minds and helps folks to put past experiences in perspective.

    Although I’m a submissive (SaintSeverin on Fetlife) and have a wonderful Domme, I am not collared as such and probably won’t be – I need my freedom too much. Take a look and say hi if you wish.

    All the best,
    sev x

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