Sinking… In This Silence

Posted: April 8, 2012 in intimacy, love, prostitution, recovery, relationships, sex, sex and healing
Tags: , , , , ,

I feel really sad. I’m listening to this song right now, and it’s sharpening the emotion:

While trying to gather my thoughts for this post, I thought I wouldn’t be able to articulate anything, specifically the reasons for my disquiet. I think I can though. Cause really, the only person censoring myself here is me. And what’s the point in that?

I got to experience the intense sex I’ve been wanting. With someone I actually found (find) myself liking. And this is extremely unsettling to me. I’m not used to having romantic emotions towards others. I’ve had a tendency to feed off of others feelings for me and take them on as my own (sounds horrible, I know).

And part of the problem is my fucking quietness. It’s something that is improving. But… I dunno. Maybe the fact I actually like(d) this guy magnified it. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. Maybe it was worse then I am imagining.

Ok, I’m back to listening to metal. Puts me in a better frame of mind to write this. Out of respect for your ears, I won’t link you.

Anyways, I kind of realized last night it’s not very fair to just stay silent. I have opinions and ideas about everything. But keeping my mouth shut makes me seem like an ignorant fool. I really need to comment on it to potential partners. I don’t want him/them/whatever thinking I’ll be incapable of speech always. Admittedly, my silence sometimes borders on the pathological. And the more I think about it, and pressure myself to talk, the more I shut down.

Fuck.

Like I said in a previous post. Dating is fucking confusing. Relationships, not so much. Though I’ll probably change my mind about that once I find myself in one that is healthy and functional.

A couple people mentioned waiting a couple months of knowing someone before springing the whole previously prostituted part of my past.

I agree. To an extent.

I tried being in a relationship without mentioning it. Granted, the guy was a bit close-minded and judgemental. But, it’s not just about how they will end up seeing me, perceiving me, or otherwise judging and changing their opinion of me. It’s also about me. I actually can’t get close to, or open up, if the other person doesn’t know. And then I shut down and am silent. Which effectively kills any relationship.

Last night as I lay awake, I started thinking about how it’s like admitting to having an STD, after you’ve fucked someone without protection. Deep thinker am I, at 5am. Both are fucking disturbing to hear. And can create a sense of horror in the other person.

Or worse, I’m seen purely as the sex worker. Fun to sleep with, experiment with, but not to bring home and keep by your side.

Ugh. Either way, I can’t win.

Fuck it. I’ll write more later.

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