I was thinking about using songs as a theme to my blog posts. I might do it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YY-EOYJQMMY&feature=endscreen (turn volume down a bit, least til you know you like it or not. I promise future links to more gentle music. Harder music too. We’ll see.)

So now that I’ve slept, and somewhat reflected on what I wrote, I came to this conclusion: FUCK sadness.

Like my therapist said, my boredom comes from the need for progress and stimulation. I’m not meeting my potential. She’s not exactly telling me things I’m unaware of. Still, it helps to hear it from an outside source. There’s only so much consulting I can do with myself before I’m appreciative of another opinion.

I did end up going to a family gathering for the holidays. Even though I knew no one was expecting me, I was surprised when so many expressed shock at seeing me. It actually was a good exercise for later this month (surprise party for my great-aunt). It helps to realize that I’m not as socially awkward as I tend to think of myself.

Anyways. I haven’t mentioned the state of my room in a while. I should really post a picture, cause words fail to convey the utter wreckage I live in. I have selective eyesight regarding my room (like selective hearing. I can look at my room, and see nothing). So my assignment for thursday is to pick up the garbage and to start sorting through some of the clothes I no longer want. Sounds deceptively simple. I said to my therapist that it’s a fucking dumping ground. And she asked me if that’s how I see myself.

Kinda took me aback. A couple months ago, I wouldn’t have hesitated, that was exactly how I saw myself. Now… I don’t. Obviously, I have to change my environment to reflect the change within. Fuck.

I’m also looking for ways to positively occupy myself. I joined meetup. http://www.meetup.com/ I’ve founds things I’d really enjoy doing. Part of the problem is that I don’t run into anyone I used to know. And the more I put myself out there, the higher the likelihood of that happening. Scary stuff.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who’s begun following me, or liking my posts, or commenting. It’s both weird and validating to know my words are reaching others. If my experiences can help even one person, it has all been worth it.



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