Obligatory Actions? Eff That.

Posted: April 15, 2012 in brainwashing, family, prostitution, recovery
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I have a weird relationship with money. No big surprise. It’s something I could probably deal with better if I made any sort of (legit, obviously) income at the moment. But I’m not. I have to rely on the kindness of family. And despite any shit I may say about them, the truth is I’d be dead or dying without them there. I *know* how fortunate I am. I had certainly given my family reason enough to kick me out/disown me.

Anyways. I bring this up because of the steps I’m taking to move forward. Like, I registered for a advocacy conference for trafficked and prostituted women. Costs something to go. I don’t have a credit card. I do have the money. But everything is online, leaving me with no way to pay.

So today my mother says to me that I need to show my appreciation. On the surface, I get it. Problem is, that saying something like that to me is massively triggering. Not only because it involves money – which is a concept I can only vaguely grasp and leaves me feeling sick to my stomach, especially when I feel indebted. But saying I need to show action or emotion out of obligation is one of the very few ways to make me see red with rage. Instant reaction. I get pissed.

I’ve done so much out of fucking obligation. And it’s never enough. Nothing I ever did was considered enough. I find that now, if something feels obligated, I become passive aggressive. Cause I have no way to actually express just how fucked up and worthless words like that make me feel.

I also wonder to myself how to properly convey appreciation. Because it’s not about *my* actions or words. It’s about the other person’s perception of them. And what *I* think is a good form of expression, may be interpreted as nothing.

I’m pretty sure it is. Nothing, to anyone else. Just like the accomplishments I’ve made in the last year/two. I know how successful I’ve been. Other people? Not really. Accomplishments tends to be measured in terms of status. And I have nothing to show. Usually, this doesn’t bother me. I know the pace at which I am moving forward is good for me, and will yield the results I desire.

Shit. At least I have faith in myself. Fuck everyone else.

The really messed up thing? As soon as my mom uttered those words, I sat there and thought… One hour. I could make all the money I need in one hour, and have some left over. And then I felt even worse.

Fucked up day, today.

 

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