I got a bit of a shock this morning when I saw my reflection. I reverted back to my natural hair colour a few days ago.

Where as the blonde hair was a passive fuck you to people no longer in my life (which actually just harms me, so what’s the point?), the red hair was trying to find comfort cause I like red. But red dye fades fast.

I ended up with a feeling of wrongness whenever I saw my hair. It’s inauthentic. That was the problem. I feel the same way when I wear heels, or makeup, or when I say/do something I’m uncertain off. That sense of obligation I cannot stand. How red hair equals obligation I’m not 100% sure. It just does.

So ya. Shock this morning in the mirror.

I haven’t had my hair my natural dark brown since I was 13ish. I’ve coloured it black, which is close, and which is why I was taken aback.

That first glance didn’t show my appearance as it is now. All I saw was me, anorexic with heavy eye makeup and short, straight black hair and a bunch of piercings.

I blinked, and it was me again.

It’s still a bit jarring. Like a part of me is expecting to get a verbal lashing for not having my hair straight. My brain is still catching up to my current situation, which happens to be Freedom and Confidence and Love.

I can’t run away from myself with dark hair. I couldn’t when it was blonde or red either. But it stuck a bandaid over my emotions regarding my appearance. I can confront myself now. I can look in the mirror and see exactly who I am, know who I am. So it’s okay. It’s safe, in a very scary way.

  1. patricia schroeder says:


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s