Archive for the ‘crying’ Category

The last few days have been extremely difficult for me on an emotional level. I can handle a lot. But I start to lose it when those little things start snowballing. Cause then its like a whole mountain of crap has fallen on me and I can’t find my way out.

Part of it is cause of birthday celebrations. Which sounds so ridiculous. At least, until I remind myself that if someone else was telling me about being triggered by a birthday, I wouldn’t think anything unusual about it. If other peoples emotions and reactions are completely valid, why aren’t mine? Especially cause I’m actually sitting in the dark crying as I write.

Maybe cause by being triggered, I’ve allowed myself to remove myself from everyone else. Which looks snobbish and hermit-ish. And makes the problem worse. Mostly cause I made the problem worse just living with myself.

Cause yesterday the same pains and physical reaction my body had to being raped back in September (right before my birthday) ‘suddenly’ reappeared. Cue panic and anxiety. Then I start brooding. Then I lock myself away. Then I start freaking out about not being any better, and ending up back where I was… Anyways. You get the picture. It snowballs.

But it’s really about birthdays. And whatever unresolved issues I have there. Cause it’s awesome to be alive every day. That should be celebrated. I do celebrate it. I am thankful every morning I open my eyes. For every new day God has granted me life.

I just don’t want there to be birthdays.

I’m better about holidays. Cause its bigger then yourself. There’s a bigger picture. And it’s the same with birthdays, but that’s not the focus.

Dunno.

It’s not something I expect to get over tonight, in the dark, crying.

However,

I do expect me to get over myself. At least just a little bit.

Sometimes, when I am feeling vulnerable, I wonder to myself why I left you.

To the uninitiated it sounds completely bizarre, I know, but I do miss you and long for you.

So I have made a list, to remind myself of why I needed to leave you, and the ones that are just like you. Because you are all essentially the same.

You brainwashed me

You set me in harms way

You warped my perceptions of what proper female/male relationships should be

You make me cry

You disrespect me

You treat me like the worst criminal

You make me doubt my own sanity

You’re treatment of me caused complex PTSD, which I still suffer from

You caused me to momentarily die

You made me believe I was worthless. You made me believe I had no one but you to rely on, and that imprisoned me. You treated me like I was nothing, and enjoyed it when I was down, as you got to pick me back up… Only to repeat the cycle over and over. You isolated me from my friends and family, to the point that it still effects my relationship with them today. I struggle to believe they are at all about me, and I struggle to fit in because I feel warped and damaged by you.

You convinced me I was crazy. You convinced me I served no purpose in life if it was not your purpose for me, and those purposes were criminal. You degraded me, you violated me, and you admittedly reveled in your misuse of me.

So. This is where I say goodbye to you.

This month has been a roller-coaster of emotion. September is always a trying month for me, it has been for as long as I can remember.

That tends to get in the way of re-entering life. One year, going back to university, I ended up overdosing, having a psychotic break, and wound up in a psych ward.

Of course, I was also being severely abused at the time – but I did not make the connection until I was free. Then, I simply blamed myself for my own misery and simply wanted to end the hell I found myself is as I did not know how to cope, and was told I did not know how to cope, and that I would be better off dead.

Anyways, September is also the month of my birth. Which has also made it more trying for me the last ten or so years. I always dreaded my birthday: it would remind me I was still alive and still in the same place as the year before, or in an even worse situation.

Last year I tentatively celebrated my birthday, and was successful. I attended a couple college classes, with limited success, but the point is, that I managed to *go* to the class, without breaking down, or freaking out, or otherwise making an a** of myself. Yet I sabotaged myself nonetheless with my thinking that I must be perfect, as whatever I did in *this* class *now* would dictate my success for the rest of my life…

Needless to say, my thinking did not work out for me.

So this year, I have been working on changing things so I will not be in the same place as I was last year, and so that I will not be in the same place come next year.

To the untrained eye, it might not look like much has changed. But as anyone who has had any type of hurt or tragedy or difficulty in their lives know, healing is a long arduous process.

I am once again enrolled in school, but this time, my goal is to have fun in class. So far, it is going well. It required a lot of self-talk and pep-talks to myself to get myself to go, and convince myself that this will not impact my entire future. I have only myself to rely on to build myself up, and that is a role I have become comfortable in.

The difficult thing is that for me, September really sucks.

I had a blow out with a friend. He verbally assaulted me over a period of a few days, and thankfully, his knowledge of my life was limited, and so the attack on me was limited as well.

It was a good lesson on being cautious about letting people in. But it brought back a lot of past memories that I would rather remain dissociated from.

I am not normally someone who sheds tears. Even when I feel like crying, or need to cry, I simply cannot. There is a part of me that is a tad dissociated from myself.

But not the last two weeks.

I’ve been crying at inopportune times…

Not heaving sobs, or even a steady stream of tears… They just come and go in bursts I cannot control.

And I wonder to myself – is this some sort of delayed reaction? Am I somehow reconnecting to what happened to me?

So I have been hiding out at home for the last two weeks. Besides school and therapy, and occasional walks, I have been feeling very protective of myself.

I apologize for the somewhat disjointed post. But my thoughts are somewhat disorganized.

I don’t have the time for tears, nor do I want to suddenly reconnect with myself and my past.

To be continued…