Archive for the ‘school’ Category

I just returned from my voice lesson. A very disappointing lesson. Let me start of by saying I found the best music teachers here in Israel. It is my goal to be able to apply to university to study music next year. This means a lot of work on my part.

I’ve also improved more in the last two-ish months of lessons then I did over the span of a year in Canada. I think part of it is the assertive (aggressive) Israeli spirit. There is a certain lack of tact that is very refreshing (which also took a while to get used to). But when my teacher is communicating (yelling) at me, I have no choice but to listen. And it works, wonderfully.

Today, however, I encountered some difficulty in my lesson. My back’s been hurting, probably due to the oncoming winter and the sporatic torrential rainfall of the last few weeks. I don’t know if its a real pain, or a body memory. For 14 years any change in weather meant increased pain levels and limited mobility. I suspect it is a mixture of both.

Anyways – it is my body that is the instrument. Which means I have to feel 100% in order to get 100% sound. The tension in my back threw my ear off. I couldn’t breathe properly, and I could feel I was forcing my voice too much, and as a result, I was off tone.

My teacher asked me about that. And I didn’t say anything. I didn’t say the truth. It wasn’t until I left and walked towards the bus that I realized why:

I didn’t want to come off as weak. Or like I was making excuses for myself.

So instead, I left my teacher with the impression that I’m working on this beyond my current capability. And I left that lesson extremely disappointed in myself. Doubly so when it hit me that I reacted as if I would be penalized for being in pain. And then I wanted to cry.

So.

I have to own up next week. Because I am capable.

 

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjPqsDU0j2I

I spent a few weeks wondering how to continue this blog, mostly because I have nothing really to complain about. No pressing issues either really, that I find I must write about lest I explode.

But then one night I caught up with friend back in Canada, who said to me that there is no word really, for the change that’s happened. Not a victim, not a survivor, but something more. I remembered also the moto (?) of my blog: Learning to thrive… I think I’ve gotten to that place where I can honestly say I am.

So… I’ll continue this blog from there. An update:

I’m almost done the ulpan program (learning hebrew) on the kibbutz after 5 months. I decided to stay here in Israel and apply for citizenship. I’m looking into doing a year of volunteer work (instead of the army, which I’m not obliged to do, since I’m 25). I’ve also returned to singing, and have as a long-ish term goal to study voice in university.

I’m in love. A fact I’ve deliberately kept out of my blog the last few months so I won’t jinx it. He’ll be coming here too.

I also discovered Israel has a winter season. I had scoffed at the Israeli idea of winter. But I’m currently huddled in fleece pjs and sweater. I’m still cold.

I’ve also discovered capability that I didn’t have previously – Its not a big deal to work and learn six days a week. I have no money, and that’s also not a big deal. I’m in a new place, with a new culture and new language and the threat of war.

And I find myself extremely happy.

 

I feel like I’ve been running on a treadmill the last week or so. You know, running no where fast?

I do realize I am still moving forward, slowly but surely, but sometimes the slow pace frustrates me. I want life’s changes to happen now. 

I love the saying “even if you fall flat on your face, you will still be moving forward” (forget who the quote is by).

Cause even though my sleep has suffered – as in I am getting almost none – I am still going to school. I am still writing my blog. I am still taking care of myself. Even though I have been triggered by two of my exes… I am still keeping up with therapy, and with my support groups, and I decided to trust a friend with what happened when the burden of silence became too much for me.

I passed my birthday in this limbo-like state. I went out to eat with my family. I normally lack the patience to eat out. I hate the insincerity of small talk. I find it depressing. I was the odd one out – my parents were there as a couple, so were my grandparents, so were my siblings with their gf and bf. I was the only single one, and for once that did not bother me.

Yet if I was so unbothered, and in a good mood, why did I break my two years -or so- sober streak? It was only one drink, but I am so unused to alcohol that it hit me by the second or third sip. And I finished the whole cocktail.

Ugh. I know why I did it. I drank to get through the dinner without being disturbed by wondering if the sex I “participated” in the day before was really consentual (it was not. I clearly said no, stop, and even kicked him back).

Am I right to be beating myself up for being fooled into that type of situation again?

Maybe.

But before I beat myself up, I would rather beat him up for creating this turmoil with me.

And for my other ex, for his constant harassment of me through text messages – time to change my number yet again.

So how about something more positive in my life right now?

It might sound silly, but when I am stressed (which is often), I tend to recite things that are good for skin care (for example, what vitamin A or zinc are good for in relation to skin)… And as a gift for my birthday, I got to order a bunch of skin care items. I like to experiment and make my own creams and lotions and body butters…

I discovered skin care as a way of turning my self-destructive tendencies into something more positive. I’m now taking classes in esthetics, and its very weird to be touching other people in the esthetics lab. Triggering in a way, but soothing at the same time.

I have this crazy dream, once I’m done school, and have established myself somewhat in the field. I want to work with survivors to make them feel beautiful, and help them gain back their self-esteem. But even more then that, I would love to create my own skin care line, with proceeds going towards DV awareness.

❤ stay strong

This month has been a roller-coaster of emotion. September is always a trying month for me, it has been for as long as I can remember.

That tends to get in the way of re-entering life. One year, going back to university, I ended up overdosing, having a psychotic break, and wound up in a psych ward.

Of course, I was also being severely abused at the time – but I did not make the connection until I was free. Then, I simply blamed myself for my own misery and simply wanted to end the hell I found myself is as I did not know how to cope, and was told I did not know how to cope, and that I would be better off dead.

Anyways, September is also the month of my birth. Which has also made it more trying for me the last ten or so years. I always dreaded my birthday: it would remind me I was still alive and still in the same place as the year before, or in an even worse situation.

Last year I tentatively celebrated my birthday, and was successful. I attended a couple college classes, with limited success, but the point is, that I managed to *go* to the class, without breaking down, or freaking out, or otherwise making an a** of myself. Yet I sabotaged myself nonetheless with my thinking that I must be perfect, as whatever I did in *this* class *now* would dictate my success for the rest of my life…

Needless to say, my thinking did not work out for me.

So this year, I have been working on changing things so I will not be in the same place as I was last year, and so that I will not be in the same place come next year.

To the untrained eye, it might not look like much has changed. But as anyone who has had any type of hurt or tragedy or difficulty in their lives know, healing is a long arduous process.

I am once again enrolled in school, but this time, my goal is to have fun in class. So far, it is going well. It required a lot of self-talk and pep-talks to myself to get myself to go, and convince myself that this will not impact my entire future. I have only myself to rely on to build myself up, and that is a role I have become comfortable in.

The difficult thing is that for me, September really sucks.

I had a blow out with a friend. He verbally assaulted me over a period of a few days, and thankfully, his knowledge of my life was limited, and so the attack on me was limited as well.

It was a good lesson on being cautious about letting people in. But it brought back a lot of past memories that I would rather remain dissociated from.

I am not normally someone who sheds tears. Even when I feel like crying, or need to cry, I simply cannot. There is a part of me that is a tad dissociated from myself.

But not the last two weeks.

I’ve been crying at inopportune times…

Not heaving sobs, or even a steady stream of tears… They just come and go in bursts I cannot control.

And I wonder to myself – is this some sort of delayed reaction? Am I somehow reconnecting to what happened to me?

So I have been hiding out at home for the last two weeks. Besides school and therapy, and occasional walks, I have been feeling very protective of myself.

I apologize for the somewhat disjointed post. But my thoughts are somewhat disorganized.

I don’t have the time for tears, nor do I want to suddenly reconnect with myself and my past.

To be continued…