Posts Tagged ‘fitting in after abuse’

How does a former prostitute and abuse victim fit in again into the real world?

This is a question I am still working on answering since I started asking it a year ago.

Last summer my ex strangled me, and I had a near death experience. I heard celestial music before everything went black. I saw the bright light. And once I went through the light, I felt God’s love surround me. Words cannot describe how comforting that light and love was. I felt accepted, and truly loved exactly as I am, for the first time since I was a child. Honestly, I wanted to stay. Why would I want to return to the cold, harsh world of pain, when I could stay and be loved so completely? I heard God’s voice, and He told me not yet, it is not my time just yet. That’s when I woke up on the ground, and the music faded.

Is it weird to be thankful for an event that momentarily ended your life? I am. I am so thankful it happened. That was rock bottom for me. It forced me to face the fact that the man I love(d) almost murdered me. And so I made a pact with myself to change my life.

Things are more normal now. My life does not revolve around whichever abusive monster I am with. I am not in a constant panic, constantly breathless and trying to calm my rapidly beating heart. I am no longer forced to think a certain way, to associate with certain people, to dress or weigh or appear in a manner pleasing to my abuser. I no longer have to suppress myself. I am no longer forced to commit acts that kill my soul and degrade my body.

Yet still I struggle with the feeling of “normalcy”.

There are times when I feel so shamed due to the past that I cannot breathe. And I wonder if those around me can tell. If they can somehow sense that I am unclean.

But then I remember that if God can love me after all I have been through, there is no reason why I cannot accept myself.

So I try. I feel awkward and ungraceful with “normal” people – like when I am in school, or applying for a normal job. But I continue on. I keep trying. And I know that there are a few people, those who know my story – they accept me.

Basically, it is a matter of how I carry myself, portray myself, and project myself. No one knows my secrets but me.

As long as I hold my head up high, shoulder back, bearing proud… There is no reason why I cannot fit in.