Posts Tagged ‘general’

For the last year while I’ve been healing, I’ve had to learn some techniques to soothe myself and to calm my mind and emotions when things get overwhelming or triggering.

While I was still with my ex, the one that almost killed me by strangulation… I will call him Exodus… and enduring verbal abuse that progressively was getting worse by the day, I continued to spiral downward.

It was after my near death experience (which included the white light and meeting God), that I decided I had had enough, and that only I could help me help myself get out of this to make sure it would not happen again.

Even though I returned to Exodus, I began work on my SELF in secret, to work myself up to that moment when I could say one final and last goodbye.

It started out with me talking to myself in my head.

For every negative thought (which, at the time, was almost every thought I had), I would think something positive, about anything — the point of the exercise was to change my negative perception into a positive one.

I started looking UP when I walked. I was so used to looking down at the ground, slightly hunched over, too ashamed to look at anyone, that it felt very strange and scary. I would put on a “mask” when I stepped outside my house, put a sway in my step, dressed a bit more stylishly, and faked confidence.

It took several months of keeping at those two things before one day I realized that there was a small bud of REAL confidence with in, right beside a tiny seed of self-respect and self-worth.

I started taking an interest in my appearance.

It is a bit embarrassing to admit this, but there were times I would be so wrapped up in despair I would go for days without washing or brushing my teeth or changing my clothes. I simply didn’t care. And if I was a worthless waste of space, then what was the point of even trying??

Even though I still sometimes struggle with occasionally feeling worthless, I now DO recognize it as the voice of my abusers, and not as truth.

So I decided that by aiming for clear, glowing skin with a touch of make up, it would help my self esteem. That putting on a “good face”, so to speak, would help in reflecting what I want my inner self to say.

I had picked up some very self-destructive habits in years past, and will be permanently scarred as a result, which is perhaps why I choose to pamper my skin. But that is now my go-to cure for any negative emotion… If I feel sad or angry or anxious I pamper my skin– Give myself a facial, smooth on some oils, maybe do my nails.

Self-indulgent, perhaps. But I believe it is important to reconnect to yourself after spending so many years focused on another person in such a negative way.

Forging a relationship with yourself is key on the path to healing. You need to know yourself inside and out, your likes and dislikes, what kind of hobbies do you enjoy? what kind of music do you love? are you the type of person to sway to the beat of music, or are you too shy? what kind of books do you like? do you enjoy your job? are the people in your life really supportive, or are they toxic?

Form a life you are proud to live. We wasted enough time on people who drained out souls and would have felt nothing had we died in the process. Life is so short, and every breath, every second, is precious.

~hugs~

Stay strong!

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This last week it hit home to me just how far I have come in my healing journey, and far I have yet to go.

I just broke contact with someone I was in a very brief and intense ‘relationship’ with (I use the term loosely, as I did not take him seriously, nor was my heart investing in the man).

Hindsight is 20/20, right?

Well, I soon was able to reflect upon what I should have seen clearly– the red flags that were waving high and brightly in my face. The insistence that he was such a nice person, or rather, that he used to be, and that his ex ruined that side of him by cheating on him and breaking his heart.

He soon insisted he just needed someone to heal him (me, obviously). He wanted me to text him repeatedly throughout the day to give him updates on what I was doing (I refused to on principle). He kept insisting that I was cheating on him (I was not). He was soon saying things that cut me, using my vulnerabilities against me in verbal manipulations.

I wound up feeling worthless, crazy, guilty…

And I recognized those feelings.

I had been there before.

The last straw came when he blamed me for getting sick, insisting it was all my fault as I had been the *only* one he had seen all week (he lives with others though).

Yet *I* was and am not sick. Not at all.

I finally told him that I would leave him be if he would please do me the courtesy of doing the same.

Even though I did not know this man very well. Even though I did not have much of a romantic attachment to him…

Doing that was extremely hard, and I am still a bit depressed over the whole incident. I found it very triggering, and very reminiscent of a previous relationship with another man of a similar vein who I was with for a long time who I *was* deeply in love with. After verbally abusing me severely in a way that still haunts me today, he strangled me in a hotel room, and yet I returned to him, only to become burned out from the repeated abuse, and I finally left a few months after.

Anyways…

My point is this–

In the last year, I have worked hard to build up my perception of myself. I hardly ever talk down to myself anymore, I am confident, I walk tall, I take care of myself, I nourish my mind and my body… I have worked hard to change my life from what it used to be.

I will NOT allow anyone to make me lose the self respect I worked so hard to garner.

I am capable

I am strong

I am fierce

I don’t need a d*amn white knight because I am my *OWN* hero

~Hugs~