Posts Tagged ‘Rebirth’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjPqsDU0j2I

I spent a few weeks wondering how to continue this blog, mostly because I have nothing really to complain about. No pressing issues either really, that I find I must write about lest I explode.

But then one night I caught up with friend back in Canada, who said to me that there is no word really, for the change that’s happened. Not a victim, not a survivor, but something more. I remembered also the moto (?) of my blog: Learning to thrive… I think I’ve gotten to that place where I can honestly say I am.

So… I’ll continue this blog from there. An update:

I’m almost done the ulpan program (learning hebrew) on the kibbutz after 5 months. I decided to stay here in Israel and apply for citizenship. I’m looking into doing a year of volunteer work (instead of the army, which I’m not obliged to do, since I’m 25). I’ve also returned to singing, and have as a long-ish term goal to study voice in university.

I’m in love. A fact I’ve deliberately kept out of my blog the last few months so I won’t jinx it. He’ll be coming here too.

I also discovered Israel has a winter season. I had scoffed at the Israeli idea of winter. But I’m currently huddled in fleece pjs and sweater. I’m still cold.

I’ve also discovered capability that I didn’t have previously – Its not a big deal to work and learn six days a week. I have no money, and that’s also not a big deal. I’m in a new place, with a new culture and new language and the threat of war.

And I find myself extremely happy.

 

Advertisements

So. It’s June. And I’m wearing my dad’s old sweater and my fuzzy hedgehog slippers. I’m waiting for the weather to catch up to the calender. June is summer, right?

The last couple days, with the bipolar shift in weather (humid, hot, sunny, just last week), makes me… not worry exactly… um. Raises doubts, I guess.

May is apparently classic mood swing time for bipolars. My (former) shrink explained this to me every years, and it’s one of those things that never stuck in my brain. Something about weather patterns and mood. Which actually makes a lot of sense. What doesn’t make sense is why May mood swings wouldn’t happen to me til August or Sept, or not at all, or way before. Basically, I didn’t need a specific month to be nuts. I simply was.

Anyways. The grey weather doesn’t depress me, but I’m not bubbling with joy happy. While I firmly believe having an emotional range is normal… I don’t think I’ve been normal enough to be totally comfortable with having a grey day that matches the grey weather.

Which is also making me incredibly sleepy. Which also makes me… uncomfortable with all the um. non-normalcy I’ve lived through.

I guess what’s also bugging me is that I got talked to about my lack of plans for my trip in two weeks. Um. I have no idea what to write about that. It’s just one of those things that makes me feel like nothing has changed. Which could also be why I’m slightly grumpy today.

I dunno. I guess it’s just one of those days where I am suddenly terrified I’ll wake up from this dream of a beautiful life. This existence is still so new and fragile.

I think I need to go swing in the playground.

 

Twice this past week I had someone mention the advocacy work I did as a teenager. This is something I tend to forget I ever did. It’s like the way my life veered off track undoes all the good I did. That I am unworthy for giving up and not finishing or returning to the work I started.

I was a youth advocate for those with chronic pain. I had the first website written from a child’s perspective on living with pain, and was awarded a Lifetime Achievement Award when I was 13. I gave speeches to hundreds in various health care professions and was featured in various forms of media.

Then, you know. Sh*t happened.

Anyways, my buddy on the west coast was saying I’m becoming that person again. I had to have him elaborate cause I had no idea what he was referring to. I had shut out all that good stuff. I didn’t think it was relevant in any way. To my thinking, I failed. The end.

He pointed out that the person I was becoming then is the person I am becoming now. More of that ‘reaching my potential’ he’s been telling me about for years, and that until recently thought was total bullsh*t.

Then I had a new friend at church comment on that previous work, since apparently I linked to it on FaceBook and promptly forgot about it.

It was another one of those moments where it’s like being hit by a two-by-four.

BOOM!

Ya, I get it.

The positive direction I was going in to help others is exactly the direction I’m heading in now. Just different area of interest.

But the me that I was becoming is the same me that I am now. Just a bit older, bit wiser, bit more confident (okay, a lot), and more filled with purpose.

Thinking on it, the way I am now is very much like the way I was as a kid. And I like that. A lot.

I think I finally get it. I’m not 100% sure what it is I get. I just know it all finally makes sense.

So my best friend lives out on the other end of the country. I got to talk to him a couple days ago. And got to hear his I told you so.. Not smugly, just pleased. He’s seen me as the person I am now, the person I’m becoming, for about 5 years now. Which in the past would anger me to the point I would completely stop talking to him. Now, I’m just really thankful that there was at least one person who didn’t see me as I was, but as I was meant to me. I know you’re reading this. So huge hugs and thank you 🙂

So ya. Everything makes sense. I cried for the first time in years last week. It was amazing. Like huge sobs wracking my body. In church. And I had strangers hold me and pray for me. It was awesome.

I saw a guy in the mall on the weekend who looks just like J. Who nearly killed me. Instead of running off (which is something I usually do when I see anyone I used to know, may know, or reminds me of someone I knew), I went up to him, introduced myself, and blessed him. And then ran off.

I’m also going overseas in a few weeks. Til the end of October. I’m super excited. I’ll be there for my birthday. So I’m expecting to have an incredible celebration. Which includes not being raped and having to pretend everything’s okay and then pressing and dropping charges.

So since I’m leaving, its given me a chance to rediscover the city I’m in. Which is kinda what prompted the post titled My City. It’s actually a nice place. Which I never really realized before.. I was so focused on getting out, running away, escaping, that it’s beauty completely passed by me.

My friend told me I should document all these changes that have been going on with me. Which is true. But I still have to catch up to all the changes.

I saw my therapist yesterday. And she was floored by how different I look. She stared at me and said You look like you’ve been reborn.

Ya, I have.