Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjPqsDU0j2I

I spent a few weeks wondering how to continue this blog, mostly because I have nothing really to complain about. No pressing issues either really, that I find I must write about lest I explode.

But then one night I caught up with friend back in Canada, who said to me that there is no word really, for the change that’s happened. Not a victim, not a survivor, but something more. I remembered also the moto (?) of my blog: Learning to thrive… I think I’ve gotten to that place where I can honestly say I am.

So… I’ll continue this blog from there. An update:

I’m almost done the ulpan program (learning hebrew) on the kibbutz after 5 months. I decided to stay here in Israel and apply for citizenship. I’m looking into doing a year of volunteer work (instead of the army, which I’m not obliged to do, since I’m 25). I’ve also returned to singing, and have as a long-ish term goal to study voice in university.

I’m in love. A fact I’ve deliberately kept out of my blog the last few months so I won’t jinx it. He’ll be coming here too.

I also discovered Israel has a winter season. I had scoffed at the Israeli idea of winter. But I’m currently huddled in fleece pjs and sweater. I’m still cold.

I’ve also discovered capability that I didn’t have previously – Its not a big deal to work and learn six days a week. I have no money, and that’s also not a big deal. I’m in a new place, with a new culture and new language and the threat of war.

And I find myself extremely happy.

 

This month has been a roller-coaster of emotion. September is always a trying month for me, it has been for as long as I can remember.

That tends to get in the way of re-entering life. One year, going back to university, I ended up overdosing, having a psychotic break, and wound up in a psych ward.

Of course, I was also being severely abused at the time – but I did not make the connection until I was free. Then, I simply blamed myself for my own misery and simply wanted to end the hell I found myself is as I did not know how to cope, and was told I did not know how to cope, and that I would be better off dead.

Anyways, September is also the month of my birth. Which has also made it more trying for me the last ten or so years. I always dreaded my birthday: it would remind me I was still alive and still in the same place as the year before, or in an even worse situation.

Last year I tentatively celebrated my birthday, and was successful. I attended a couple college classes, with limited success, but the point is, that I managed to *go* to the class, without breaking down, or freaking out, or otherwise making an a** of myself. Yet I sabotaged myself nonetheless with my thinking that I must be perfect, as whatever I did in *this* class *now* would dictate my success for the rest of my life…

Needless to say, my thinking did not work out for me.

So this year, I have been working on changing things so I will not be in the same place as I was last year, and so that I will not be in the same place come next year.

To the untrained eye, it might not look like much has changed. But as anyone who has had any type of hurt or tragedy or difficulty in their lives know, healing is a long arduous process.

I am once again enrolled in school, but this time, my goal is to have fun in class. So far, it is going well. It required a lot of self-talk and pep-talks to myself to get myself to go, and convince myself that this will not impact my entire future. I have only myself to rely on to build myself up, and that is a role I have become comfortable in.

The difficult thing is that for me, September really sucks.

I had a blow out with a friend. He verbally assaulted me over a period of a few days, and thankfully, his knowledge of my life was limited, and so the attack on me was limited as well.

It was a good lesson on being cautious about letting people in. But it brought back a lot of past memories that I would rather remain dissociated from.

I am not normally someone who sheds tears. Even when I feel like crying, or need to cry, I simply cannot. There is a part of me that is a tad dissociated from myself.

But not the last two weeks.

I’ve been crying at inopportune times…

Not heaving sobs, or even a steady stream of tears… They just come and go in bursts I cannot control.

And I wonder to myself – is this some sort of delayed reaction? Am I somehow reconnecting to what happened to me?

So I have been hiding out at home for the last two weeks. Besides school and therapy, and occasional walks, I have been feeling very protective of myself.

I apologize for the somewhat disjointed post. But my thoughts are somewhat disorganized.

I don’t have the time for tears, nor do I want to suddenly reconnect with myself and my past.

To be continued…