Posts Tagged ‘sociopathy’

It’s weird when you realize how much of the brainwashing still lingers. Even weirder when you have all the evidence you need in front of you to refute what you’ve been trained to think.

Right now, I speak of intelligence.

Being brainwashed into believing I am an idiot really wasn’t that difficult, since I really didn’t think much of myself to begin with, given that I lack basic education from grade 5 on, I didn’t graduate high school, and I dropped out of university and college.

Being in class for a full day half the week is draining. It took a while to get used to. I don’t know how to study or how to have the discipline to do homework. I don’t know how to organize notes, or note-take effectively.

Plus I thought I forgot all the Hebrew I knew. And grammar exercises kill me with their tediousness. I can’t sit still in silence with others. The chairs and desks are uncomfortable. And I hate looking like an idiot if I don’t understand something.

But –

I just got my last test back. I got 82%. Which I found really surprising since I didn’t study. And I got really restless halfway through and rushed through the work so I could leave.

Which makes me wonder –

how much intelligence would I possess if I actually applied myself? If I knew how to apply myself? If I had real confidence in my innate intellect so I could expand on it?

It also shows how deep the psychological disturbance runs. My first test I passed (barely) with a 55%, the second, a 73%. And now the 82.

They weren’t even sure if I would be able to manage the more advanced Hebrew class, a class which I now find somewhat easy, if tedious with all the grammar.

Point is, that my grades and my language skills expanded rapidly once I finally realized that I can learn this and that I am not a moron. Cause I think to myself (or say out loud anyways) that I am intelligent. I didn’t really think this was an issue. But it was.

Makes me wonder how much more I am capable of doing, and excited about the untapped potential.

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I closed my OKC profile. Closing the dating profile on POF a while back was a huge step forward for me. This time, it was just a logical step forward. Yet, when I clicked the button to delete it permanently I panicked.

There was this thought of who would know I exist? Which is about as ridiculous as my conviction in my own invisibility.

Like this need to be Seen competing with my need for anonymity. Seen, capitalized. Cause it has nothing to do with my physical visibility, has nothing to do with the skin that holds me together.

I heard a sermon about intimacy and submission to God. Many sermons, actually. And there was this automatic reaction of no effing way. Intimacy, cause it terrifies me. And submission cause.. well, I associate it with abuse and prostitution and sociopathic behaviour and kink.

Those sermons kinda clicked things together for me, once I got over my stoic freak out.

My intimacy issues have to first be resolved within and with God before I can look anywhere else. And my submissiveness can find avenues besides sex.

Which is why I shut down the profile.

Then on Sunday I found myself nodding along to a variation of no sex before marriage while wondering to myself when exactly did I start agreeing with that?

I have no idea. Cause its not so much about sex, its about recognizing myself as sacred, and being unwilling to be desecrated in any way. Which is possibly why I can’t maintain any romantic interest in anyone. I’m finally gonna pay attention to that. Message received.

So the fact I’ll be out of the country for four months is actually a really good way to take a break from men, and discover me more.

So… I am Seen. God sees me. That’s all that really matters.